At least, part one of changes.

Remember my original blog (not counting the really original one)?

I said kind of significantly what I wanted, what I thought, how I felt, and to the extent people I knew or was related to read it, that was just tough. My premarital blog, you could say. It was, as I’d have posted in the blogiversary post had I finished it yet, which itself is the big potential drawback here, where I became “blog famous” to some degree. It was the blog that landed me a best friend/future ex and three amazing kids exactly as I dreamed them (down to Henry and Valerie lately becoming the two who are particularly “a pair” and almost twin-like close). I’d probably not be writing this post if Sadie had been more patient about bringing herself from dream to reality, but hey. There are all kinds of soc.history.our-marriage.what-if scenarios that would accomplish the same.

In fact, this is partly covering stuff that would have been in the updated blogiversary post, as I was going to muse about the death of our co-blogging, my various blogs and fallowness of most, and which one(s) I might actually use in the future. I tried starting an anonymous one in December, posted twice, got partially into a draft third post, and got pulled away, never to return. One of the reasons I set out to get up at 1:30 to leave for work at 3:30, besides being well awake and on time daily, was to have time that was mine for stuff like that. And more important things, though perhaps sorting out your mind and direction is at least as important if not stretched too long, like seeking more income. That hasn’t worked out well, because either Deb is still up and we talk for an hour or more because we can’t seem to stop talking animatedly as ever, so long as topics and reactions don’t get touchy, and that ruins her too-limited sleep as well, or I am hard up and sleep later, or there’s a kid incident.

Bottom line: This blog is dead except for maybe rare posts of the right type, or a residual place for kid pictures. That mainly because I have no better idea where to put them. I could maybe continue to keep it active with public/family stuff, for the sake of keeping it appealing for the over a grand a year of prospective ad revenue. This blog is read by everyone. I have never been able to write whatever I wanted, even before the unfortunate nothing that happened a year ago February, which remains deeply unforgiven. For all it’s there are exterior family or public expectations that might mute me, my beloved co-blogger is as much a factor in what I feel I can say, and how. Crazy Italians might have nothing on her, if it came down to it.

Also: There is a ton of history under my alias out there, and it is tied closely enough to my real identity for discomfort. I’d love to port some of my original posts to a new place, but that might be too identifiable. Not that it’ll be impossible to figure out, eventually, but why be obvious?

Thus I am leaning toward a non-secret new personal blog, where I will say whatever I want and fuck off if you don’t like it - don’t let the virtual door spank your ass too hard on the way out and stay out, which would be likely to have most of what I will write, but under an entirely different alias I have yet to determine - something all new and unconnected (not to mention not using names and probably no pics). When I say non-secret, I mean not completely anonymous, as in not telling anyone I know that it exists. I don’t mean it will be linked here or from any other existing blog. I don’t mean I will tell everyone where it is. I mean that some of you may know of it.

My old blog was a mix of everything, and I often wonder if I should ever have veered from that. Mostly, though, it was therapeutic. I may not be much for talking my problems, secrets, angst, failings, feelings and so forth to death with friends or whoever, but it really helps me think about or make less weighty some of that to spill it from my fingertips. I was never much for having close friends I could talk about anything with, anyhow, and I’ve reached a point where Deb is my close friend and really the only one. Under the circumstances, there are things she doesn’t want to hear about, and at heart we always had the problem of my not being good at talking to her about us. But whatever.

If I start that, if I know you want to know where it is, if I am willing to tell you, if you don’t mind that I might mention you and it may or may not all be sunshine and roses (rainbows and unicorns either), if you can handle that you may disagree vehemently with my opinions or even facts, if you won’t like it if I fall in the range from my old JSV to the openness of Acidman (remember, he started blogging to cope with divorce and other problems frankly), mainly thinking if you’ve been a reader here or my other blogs, by all means let me know you want in. I would just ask you not share too freely in an identifying way. That is, that ties me to past alias etc. E-mail licked@elhide.com to queue yourself. And remember, even if you know where it is or find out indirectly, you don’t have to go there or read any of it.